F You Hollywood.

When you have a vagina, it is very hard not to love love stories.

I am not a huge sap but The Notebook will grab my heart every. single. time. The lying in the road. The torrid love affair between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now. The growing old together. It could be my birthday, Christmas, a random Tuesday and I can turn to the scene where they die together and the tears just start rolling like it’s real.

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Who wouldn’t want Ryan Gosling professing his love for you in the pouring rain? Forget y’all – I know I would.

But along with movies like No Strings Attached and Bridget Jones’ Diary comes the unrealistic expectations of our love lives and man does it suck…

Let’s start with Titanic. Beautiful and tragic story. Rose and Jack meet and they fall insanely in love – cute right? Does anyone realize that they are on this boat for probably two weeks tops before they die a tragic death? In 2014, people claim they are in love for years and all of a sudden, a hot yoga teacher comes along and love is thrown right out the window with last year’s Uggs. NOT REAL PEOPLE. I wish I could find love in two weeks – Jennifer Lopez is still out there single yall. If Jenny from the Block cannot find real love, there’s no hope out there for the rest of us.

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Friends with Benefits. Somewhat realistic but very cute. Dylan and Jamie try to act like they can just be friends while having sex instead of turning it into a relationship. In the meantime, they secretly fall in love with each other and Dylan (Justin Timberlake) ends up professing his love with a flash mob in Grand Central Station. Once again, NOT REAL. Every female wishes a guy would profess his love in a huge way – sidenote, every female wishes Justin Timberlake would profess his love in a huge way but in the real world, it usually doesn’t happen like that. You are lucky if a guy doesn’t text you about how you’re “cool” and “not like other girls” to show his way of love. In the 21st century, a girl can dream.

How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days. Hilarious and witty. An editor and a exec both using each other to achieve a goal but instead falling in love with each other and choosing love over the career. Let’s say it together – NOT REAL. In the movie, Matthew McConaughey literally chases Kate Hudson’s cab down on his motorcycle on the Brooklyn Bridge in New York traffic and forces her to pull over so they can decide that they are meant for each other forever – blah blah blah. I don’t know in what world this situation occurs in but not my world. There would be no car chase, no monologue, no makeout session on a bridge. In the real world, two people separate – one usually rebounds while the other is stuffing their face with carbs until two weeks later, they realize a huge mistake was made and a phone call, maybe roses from CVS are involved or condoms and then all is good in the world.

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And last but not least, The Wedding Planner. I love this movie. I’ve probably seen it over 100 times. It’s coming on on Sunday on E! Just a reminder everyone. Jennifer Lopez meets a man who turns out to be the groom of a wedding that she has to plan. In the end, he doesn’t get married and runs across the city to find her and stop her wedding to tell her that she is the one. Now this movie is so unrealistic that it makes me wanna backhand the writers. It’s just fate that they are both getting married on the same day to people they don’t really love therefore not being able to go through with it so they can live happily ever after. Like who wrote this? This doesn’t happen people. I’ve never heard in real life of a wedding not going through because the groom fell in love with the woman who planned the damn thing – traitor isn’t even the word. I wish they would of thrown in a bride-planner smackdown WWE style – now that would of been real because if I was in that situation, the groom and the wedding planner would be going down.

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I’m gonna let you all in on a little part of my life. Every princess needs a prince and I’ve wrangled one in y’all. He tolerates my unreasonable ways and snaps me back into reality on the daily.

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Recently I was watching The Great Gatsby – literally one of the best movies of all time in my opinion. Between Lana Del Ray’s “Young and Beautiful” and the scene where Gatsby shows Daisy the house he really built for them – I am just in complete love mode.ย Like head over heels, singing the song and he’s literally dying a painful death of boredom.ย I’m trying to explain the concept of his everlasting love for her and I am so into this story like you would of thought I was Daisy and he’s literally looks at me and asks if we can switch between my movie and the game. Like forget my dreams in life. The damn game…..

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There we go ladies and gentleman – the difference between women and men.

Now I’m not saying that he’s not amazing but it showed me that as women, from watching these movies – sometimes we expect the world. Yes, sometimes I wonder why he hasn’t hand built me a massive house with the custom porch yet but at the end of the day, that’s not real. Most males are not going to chase your car down or arrive at your house in the pouring rain or stand outside holding a heavy boombox all night but that does not mean they don’t love you. These movies have made women think that if a man doesn’t travel 5 hundred, 25 thousand, 600 minutes and a thousand miles to express their emotions, the love isn’t there. Let’s all channel back to early 2000s, remember what J. Lo said “my love don’t cost a thing” – newsflash: grand gestures cost a thing. Delta and Southwest will not give a special discount on overdue love realizations. ย Men might not do huge things like the movies but sometimes they do try and as women, we need to ignore the movies and acknowledge our men. Or cut them a little slack, unless it’s your birthday then it’s a whole different ballgame.

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Ladies, thanks to RedBox and Netflix – we can see Justin Timberlake, Bradley Cooper, and Ryan Gosling with their grand gestures and grand bodies 24/7 and that right there, is enough for me.

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One thought on “F You Hollywood.

  1. Kaye says:

    As a teen I did have a guy who my parents said I could not see anymore stand outside my house crying, professing his love, and calling my nickname…”Cookie”…”Cookie”!!! Needless to say my daddy didn’t welcome him in, but called the police!!! LOL So much for love!

    Like

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